Audition Pieces

Older Male (30s - 40s)

1. VAGGIS from War of the Clowns

[Captain General Vaggis is a war-mongering military man who hates all clowns.]

VAGGIS:  Did you mark that wretched jester that I just had put to death? My father doted on that unfunny fucker for twenty years! "Oh, Yodnick! You're so funny! I know! Let's have a circus! Let's have a carnival! Let's pay all the artists what they're worth! Let's invite all the peasants! Let's empty the fucking treasury! Oh we'll all have such ffffffun!"

And in the end what did it get him? It got him in the end! Yodnick invented this inane, stupid trick: a moldy chicken carcass on a stick. He'd wave it around a make its bum sing the national anthem - and my father - my father thought that was the funniest thing he'd ever seen in his entire life! He laughed and laughed and made that fucker do it over an over again and made me watch and then laughed all the harder and louder until he was wheezing and choking and drooling with blood coming out of his ears and then finally…he dropped dead on the spot…and he left me penniless. So that's why I hate clowns. For those of you who care about such things - that's my motivation.


2. CECIL from The Guild Plays

[Cecil is a dapper looking man who thinks he is Noel Coward.] 

CECIL: Ah yes. Amen. Hail Mary. Blah, blah, blah. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Cecil Barnum-Cappey. I’m the musical portion of the show. And I would be too if I’d lugged my piano out here but I didn’t so you’ll have to do without. I just thought I might interrupt the little socialist paradise depicted here to give you my impression of the Guild of all the Arts – not that anyone around here ever asked me my opinion when I was alive. Oh no. But now I claim that privilege because I’m dead and so deserve all of your attention and respect. Thank you very much.

So, the Guild circa 1940...hmm. “Buzzing hive of arts and crafts activity.” I suppose so. Happy worker bees humming away…crafting things… spinning… weaving… forging… selling…losing money all the time. Yes. That about sums it up. Also, a place to stay for the tourists. A charming dining hall and guest rooms with excellent dinner entertainment provided by moi. I was hired to play piano for the Guild guests. Yes, these golden pinkies have tinkled the keys a bit over the years. Trying to bring a bit of savoir faire to the boonies. Gershwin. Coward. The Classics. I was worked to the bone by the Clarks. And while I worked here I got to watch the place crumble brick by brick. Oh it started off alright. Lots of “hail fellow” and naïve talk about “collectivism.”

[He sings]

My daddy is a member
Of the bourgeoisie;
And I will fight for labour
While he's supporting me.

Which side am I on?
Which side am I on?
Once the money’s gone
I’ll just run along.