Audition Pieces

Middle Aged Female (30s)

Cassie from The Summer Kitchen

[Cassie is a grown-up child. She is trying to impress the new Anglican minister.]

CASSIE: I like you much better than our old minister. What was his name again? I’ve forgotten it. Anyway, he used to hang around here all the time sucking up to my Dad for cash. One time…must have been ten years ago. You remember, don’t you, Angela? It was so funny. We had an old Basset hound named “Beauregard” who used to like humping our cat. Well, not humping really. Trying to hump is more accurate. He had a really big thing and the cat’s bum was too small to do it properly. Shh. I’m telling a story here. So like I said, that old minister always liked to come over to hit dad up for more cash for the church. And my dad would always let him in. They’d be sitting in the study sipping tea politely with the cat on the floor in front of them. And then old Beauregard would trot in, take one look, and start pumping away on the cat and the cat would get this stupid look on its face and give a meow to the minister as if to say, “Hey, Father! Get this dog’s dick out of my bum!” Hahahahah!  Right in front of the minister! Can you believe it? Hahahah! It was really funny…except nobody laughed. Anyway. I like you much better than that old minister. He had no sense of humour.