Audition Pieces

Female (20s - 30s)

Lucy from Playballs

[Lucy is a strong-willed woman who is trying to break into major league umpiring.]

Lucy: Florida always had a pretty good team. But like everyone else, the players didn't know what to make of a woman umpire. During the games they'd call me "Ma'am" and "Miss". Didn't bother me. I been called worse. Things were going pretty well with me and the Gators until...

This was the game. I was behind the plate. Inning after inning passed without me missing a pitch. There wasn't one complaint from either bench. Had ol' Karl seen me that day, he would have bumped me to the head of the class. I was awesome... until the bottom of the ninth.

They hit every pitch. A single here. A triple to the wall. A home run. All of a sudden it was "rabbit ball". The score was getting tighter and tighter - as was my sphincter. A single. When is this game going to end? Another double. What a pressure cooker!

With two outs, bases loaded, and the Gators behind by only one run, I can't take this anymore. I got the sweats. In steps the batter....

Baaw. Steerriiike! Baaaw. Streeriiike! Baaw. He works the count to 3 and 2. Two out - Bases loaded. Time takes a weird twist. Gets all bent out of shape like. In came the pitch, a fastball - but to me its just floating their like a leather zeppelin - shoulder high - up and in at his head - maybe above his head - catcher gets a hernia trying to get it in the mitt. The batter watches it pass - as he should have - and without a second's hesitation, I yell..... "SSTTEERRIIKKE!"

I knew it was a ball, but I had wanted a strike. Everything was back in real time. I blew it. I was fired the next day.